In the immortal words of Gary Lineker,

“Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end the Germans win.”

And so it was that today that football machine commonly referred to as the Nationalfussballmannschaft beat favorites Portugal.

I’m having mixed emotions, on the one hand I’m not particularly fond of the way the germans play. This is purely on aesthetic grounds. They are a pretty solid team with the trademark german invincible mentality.

On the other hand, I just can’t stand Cristiano Ronaldo. He is an amazingly skilled player, no doubt about it. But he’s a goddamned diving little whiny bitch as well. And that I can’t stand. There was this play where he was tackled from behind (and it was called, as it should’ve), then the german guy who was behind him leaps over him as he’s laying on the ground from the tackle, and without the german guy ever coming anywhere near to touching him he quickly grabs his ankle and starts rolling around in pathetically theatrical pseudopain, trying to get a yellow card for “unsportsmanlike” conduct from the german guy who according to his bitchy little mind had just cruelly stepped over him. Seriously, he tried to pull this shit. He was lucky the ref wasn’t looking, or he would’ve been entirely deserving of a yellow card (whether or not he would’ve got it is a separate issue). I also think Portugal as a whole is a bit overrated.

So meh, I’m glad Ronaldo is out. I’m sad the goddamned germans are still alive and are no doubt a threat to the clearly superior Oranje. But you never know. This is the country that beat the clockwork orange. Gary Lineker wasn’t lying, (International) Football is precisely as he describes it.

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